These Dark Days
by AndromedaMarine
Summary: 1ST STORY IN "DARK UNIVERSE." SGA M/K. Rodney McKay blames himself for the casualties on Atlantis. Jennifer is there to help him cope, but will there be an even bigger problem when she learns about the content of his nightmares? Pre-ship McKeller. 6/6.
1. Silent Halls

**These Dark Days by AndromedaMarine**

_Silent Halls_

No commotion rocked the halls of Atlantis. As Doctor Meredith Rodney McKay stumbled down one corridor towards the transporter, the only thing that beat upon his eardrums was silence. Silence scared him. The realization that no one else but him wandered the internal streets of the Ancient city caused terror to course through his veins. Rodney thought back to the horrific incident with the Keirsan Fever, thanking whatever Deity out there that it was only midnight. But several glaring facts remained.

He must find Jennifer.

He must speak with Jennifer.

It did not matter that Atlantis was dim with the dark hours; it did not matter that Jennifer might be asleep. All he knew – and he hoped he wasn't infected again – was that he had to be with Doctor Jennifer Keller. Rodney tripped into the transporter, his body slamming against the wall. He didn't know if he could take much more of this agony... He pressed his forefinger to the correct glowing dot, and instead of the Hall of Science Labs, he saw the Hall of Quarters.

She would be in hers, hopefully, and if not, in the infirmary. But Rodney really didn't want to fight his way through the silence again. Not after about forty hours of straight work in his lab. Zelenka had shoved about three cups of coffee into his hands that morning, but nothing good really came of it.

Rodney waved his hand over the door sensor repeatedly, hoping she would wake and let him in, and terrified that she wouldn't.

Jennifer had just barely pulled the covers over her body when the door sensor went off. She gave a sigh, tossed the blankets towards the foot of the bed, and forced herself to her feet, crossing the room to the door. When it opened, she blinked in surprise to see Rodney McKay in front of her, paler than a ghost and obviously haunted by something invisible. Yet when their eyes met he visibly relaxed. Somehow Jennifer sensed that ordinary medicine wouldn't be able to quell these fears.

The physician reached out with both hands and placed them over his arms, her heart immediately saddened when she felt him trembling. She knew the first question to ask would be what was wrong, but her instinct told her to leave questions for later. Jennifer pulled him across the threshold, and palmed the door shut again. Waving her hand over the light sensor the room became faintly brighter than before, just enough for the two to see each other.

She looked into his shimmering blue eyes, and saw pain there, sadness, and loneliness. Yet that was the definition of life in a different galaxy. The American wrapped her arms tightly around the Canadian's body, pressing him close, hoping to banish the negative emotions. Rodney needed happiness. He needed love.

Rodney returned the embrace, relieved she hadn't pushed him away or left him in the hall to suffer alone. He opened his mouth to speak, but Jennifer beat him to it.

"Don't apologize, Rodney," she whispered, her palms flat over his spine. "You're here, and that's what matters. There's no need for sorry." She focused on the sensation of his body against hers, holding him tight so he wouldn't pull away. "Just tell me what's wrong."

He whispered with fear in his voice. "If I fall asleep I'll see him there. And he'll blame me. They always blame me."

Jennifer felt her own tears on her face, the stinging in her eyes having become too much to hold in. He blamed himself.

Rodney continued. "But he won't disappear. He sticks around, narrating as I watch them all die, over, and over... He always starts with Grodin. Jennifer... I don't want to fall asleep. It's like if I fall asleep...I won't wake up. And then I'll have to face him for real. I'll have to answer to all of them. I'll have to face Elizabeth."

At this Jennifer's grip tightens around him. "Elizabeth was _not_ your fault, Rodney McKay!"

A shudder passed through Rodney's body. "He makes me believe it is. He tells me it's all my fault."

"You know, deep down, that he would never force you to believe you're to blame for all of it, Rodney, _never_. He was a good, honest man – he wouldn't blame you. He wouldn't." Jennifer turned so her nose pressed against the soft skin of his neck, hoping he would understand and believe her words.

"But it is my fault."

She had to rebuke him. "I read the mission reports, Rodney – it was nothing you could have prevented! Don't forget I did the autopsy. Don't forget my role. It _wasn't_ your fault."

Rodney pulled in a deep breath. "Not everything goes into mission reports, Jennifer. It's my fault he died."

Jennifer released her hold on his shirt and pushed away from him so she could stare him directly in the eye. "Nothing short of pulling the trigger yourself makes you to blame. So don't tell me that John died because of you. You came here for comfort, and I want to help you, so, so badly, but there's a limit. The constant thought that you essentially killed your best friend is unhealthy to the extreme, Rodney. Don't beat yourself up over it. John died because that Genii asshole had a gun in his hand. Not because you were thoroughly distracted by a ZPM energy signature."

At these words Rodney collapsed in a fit of sobs, finally coming to terms that silence was the worst way to deal with grief. Finally coming to terms that he didn't pull the trigger. Finally realizing that life could never be the same, just because some Genii hack with a gun aimed at and murdered Colonel John Sheppard. He was too much for Jennifer to keep upright with her own strength, so instead of tumbling on top of him, she pulled him in the general direction of her bed.

Jennifer maneuvered herself and Rodney so that they lay parallel, though the latter still felt visceral, nauseating tugs in the attempt to comprehend the hole left behind by the colonel. She let one hand stroke his hair, soothingly attempting to calm him, and placed a kiss on his temple. He would fall into the haunting realm of slumber here, desperate to avoid the dream-John who blamed him for each and every death on Atlantis.

Yet despite the fact she lay next to him, her body heat mixing with his, a new image formed in his mind. He could not block out the dream-Jennifer, who pointed with one accusing finger at his heart – he could not shut his eyes to the image and voice of a Jennifer who repeatedly blamed him for _her_ death.

And in that realm of unconsciousness, he wished the silent halls could replace his nightmares.


	2. Eternal Demons

**These Dark Days by AndromedaMarine**

**Author's Note: This story is a lot darker than I usually write (I mean the title sort of gives it away), so now I'm officially warning you that this has some gruesome parts. Don't read if you don't like. Simple as that.**

_Eternal Demons_

_Her finger quivered as it pointed at his chest – at his heart. "Were you expecting Sheppard? There's been a change in who narrates the long list of blood on your hands. Let's start with Peter. Peter Grodin. You cannot forget Peter, McKay. Peter was your friend. Peter had no warning of his death. You could have saved him – you could have sacrificed yourself to get him out. You should have been on that satellite, not Peter."_

_Rodney couldn't take his eyes off of the Jennifer with dark circles around her eyes, and tints of red in the irises. He tried to slam his eyelids shut, but they seemed glued open._

"_It's your fault Carson was blown to bits. Carson Beckett was the closest thing you had to a friend, McKay. Not a _best_ friend, but a friend. No one likes you – he didn't even like you. You whine too much. Carson's dead because you whined. You should have gone fishing with him. There's no harm in fishing, McKay. And you turned him down – not for just anyone, but for KATIE! You could have been Carson's savior from death...but really, you condemned him. You signed his death warrant. You pointed Fate in the right direction. You should have been carrying that tumor, McKay, not Carson." The demon-Jennifer's hair flared out from her head, and she began pacing in front of him. Her eyes never left his, though, never blinking. He felt every ounce of accusation she directed at him – and every name hit him like a Mark IX. Every name resounded in his head. _

"_Please...please stop..." he begged, but the Jennifer before him seemed to grow bigger with rage._

"_Why must I stop when there is more to remind you of? Why should I stop reminding you of the lives you took? Why should I stop short of Elizabeth Weir?" she screamed. "YOU reactivated the nanites, McKay, YOU! It was you. She would have recovered on her own if not for you! And oh, if only you had kept your obscenely large trap SHUT about the base codes on Asuras, then she would have certainly come back with you – instead a ZedPM took her place."_

_Rodney cowered on the floor in front of the Jennifer. He tried to put his hands over his ears, but found he could not lift his arms._

"_And John. You killed John. If only you hadn't lost all your attention to the damned ZedPM, he would be ALIVE! You had the opportunity – six, in fact – to shoot that Genii soldier before he shot John. And you did nothing. John's blood is on your hands. Peter's blood is on your hands. Carson's blood is on your hands. Elizabeth's blood is on your hands. And now...you are to blame for MY death."_

"_No!" Rodney yelled at her. "You aren't dead!"_

_The demon-Jennifer lifted her uniform shirt to show a circle of bullet holes just above her diaphragm, marring the otherwise perfectly smooth skin of her stomach. "You murdered me. This is the price you pay for taking lives from Atlantis. This is the price!" And suddenly, the demon-Jennifer pulled the 9mil from the hip holster attached to Rodney, put his limp finger over the trigger, and held the barrel to her temple. "Remember this, if you'll remember anything at all. Remember, that you are the sole criminal here. You are to blame for everything. Every person that died on Atlantis could have been saved – if not for your incompetence. Remember the look in their eyes at the moment they died – the looks of terror and fright – the looks that could have been avoided. Remember that." She, with her finger over Rodney's on the trigger, pulled it, and she fell backwards._

----

Rodney jerked awake, sweating and trembling as he tried to remember where he was. He felt Jennifer's sleeping body and the pressure it exerted against his chest, as sometime during the night she'd shifted halfway onto him. For a moment he felt the terror rip through him that perhaps she really was dead – did he really fire a gun into her temple? Was everything both of the Jennifers had said true? And how could he know the difference?

He knew he could not fall back asleep or else he would have to see it all over again – the woman he loved most dearly shot in the head...by he himself. He immediately felt the urge that he must get as far from Jennifer as possible – it did not matter that it was simply a nightmare that controlled his actions – he genuinely feared that he would place the weapon to her head and end her life... He believed he would kill her.

Rodney rolled off Jennifer's bed, his knees protesting in pain as they connected with the hard floor. He winced, and silently rose to his feet to face the silent halls again. He took a quick glance at Jennifer's digital alarm clock and read the time. 02:13. He'd slept for almost two hours in Jennifer's room. If the halls had been silent before, they would be dead now. He stumbled out the door without a sound, and managed to make it the few meters down the corridor to his own quarters.

His breath came in great gasps by the time he landed on his own bed, partly from the realization that he'd just left Jennifer alone in her room, and partly from the fear that his unconscious self would take up a gun and really kill Jennifer. And he still wasn't sure who to believe – the Keller accusing him of murdering the crew of Atlantis, or the Keller who let him sleep (and only sleep) with her.

Usually in this type of situation he would go to John's quarters and then apologize profusely for waking him up (though in reality he would be very relieved). Yet no option like that existed now. He was on his own in the darkness of Atlantis, on his own because he'd just made the decision to keep himself away from Jennifer as often as possible. Going to her quarters tonight had been a dire mistake – a mistake that he was sure would cost Atlantis either his or her life.

John now did not exist to keep Rodney from imploding like a millennia-old star.

A demon now kept him from setting eyes on the woman he loved...

She could die because of him. She could die just like John, Peter, Carson, and Elizabeth.

All because of him.

He fell asleep sobbing again, only to be tormented by the images of the dead.

And the Jennifer still stood there, the bullet to the head having made no difference.

This demon would not die.


	3. Absent, Missed

**These Dark Days by AndromedaMarine**

_Absent, Missed_

Jennifer's hand came down harshly on the snooze button of her alarm clock. This being the second time that morning it shrilled in her ear, she mused that she probably should get up, but something felt missing. She opened her eyes and realized that despite she was in the bed, Rodney was not. She froze for a moment, wondering if she had unconsciously done something in the middle of the night to provoke his retreat, perhaps unintentionally feeling him up (who knows what her fantasies could morph to when the object lay beside her?). Jennifer found her earwig on the nightstand beside the clock, and as soon as she placed it in her ear she called Rodney's frequency.

"Rodney?" she asked, wondering if he was sleeping in his room or if he'd gone off to the lab after he'd left her alone.

McKay heard her call, but as soon as her voice hit his ears he saw the dream-Keller standing over him with the smoldering red eyes, getting ready to slap him again. And he could not respond. His fingers fumbled getting the earwig out and onto the floor in front of him; he stared at it like he stared at the dream-Keller – with hate. And he did not know if the voice he'd heard was the voice that took joy in tormenting him, or the voice that seemed to soften whenever she saw him.

Jennifer took his silence to mean he'd either taken the earwig out or was still sleeping, or a combination of the two. She dressed and made her way to the commissary, filling her tray with breakfast items and a mug of steaming coffee. When she was almost halfway through her food Zelenka sat across from her, his hands folded tightly and his eyes glancing to and fro.

"Radek? Did you need something?" Jennifer lowered her spoonful of cereal back to the bowl.

"I wondered if you had seen Rodney this morning. He is not in his lab and he left all of his equipment powered and running. It is most unlike him." Radek seemed worried.

Jennifer shook her head. "Not this morning, no. But I did see him last night."

"Ah." He glanced around the room.

Jennifer sighed and leaned forward, lowering her voice. "Radek, it's not what you think. He's suffering from nightmares. Not lust."

The Czech pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "I apologize. From nightmares?"

"Of John." Her throat tightened and she squeezed her eyes shut so not to cry in front of the scientist. "Rodney could really use Heightmeyer at this point... But we haven't gotten a replacement from Earth yet."

"Yes, yes. I could as well. If you do see Rodney please tell him I am looking for him, and that he forgot to power down his equipment."

Jennifer nodded and watched as Radek walked away, wondering why Rodney hadn't shown up for their usual breakfast together, and wondering why he'd left her quarters the night before.

----

Rodney couldn't figure out when his nightmare of John turned into the nightmare of Jennifer. Perhaps whilst he slept beside her? Was his subconscious giving him a message? That Jennifer wasn't the One?

McKay powered up his laptop, and opened a new email message. He reasoned that he could get his point across in writing to the real Jennifer...but he wasn't sure.

He began to type.

As the physicist wrote he felt the sting of tears prick the backs of his eyes, and he was crying because of his words. He didn't know how else to turn, and with the evil dream-Keller haunting his vision every time his eyes closed, he chose to turn away.

If only John were there to offer words of support. John, the all-knowing wooer of women, would know what to do. How to reject a girl.

----

Jennifer Keller sat at her desk in the infirmary and put her head in her hands. So many people had died that week...so many friends lost. Too many friends lost. First a Genii shot John... and then that ambush SGA-6 walked right into... Three people had come back with severe injuries out of a five person team. All three died on the operating table.

For some reason she felt empty without having seen Rodney that morning.

She booted her computer and logged into her email, doing a double take when she saw an email from Rodney that had arrived one minute ago.


	4. Testament

**These Dark Days by AndromedaMarine**

_Testament_

_To: Dr. J. Keller  
From: Dr. M. R. McKay  
Subject: I'm sorry_

_Jennifer,_

_Going to your quarters last night was a mistake. I'm sorry. I left because of me, not because of you. I don't trust myself anymore. I shouldn't have burdened you with my problems, and I have too many problems. Last night was the first time I'd slept in about forty hours, but as you're well aware, my sleeping patterns have been horribly off. I don't want to say why; you know._

_I'm scared. I haven't been this scared before. My nightmares are getting worse. You can't help me. I don't think anyone can help me. If he were here, he could help me, but if he were here, I wouldn't be having the nightmares. So it's kind of a redundancy. If I thought it would make a difference I would ask for something to take the edge off, but you wouldn't give me anything. _

_Don't try to find me. I don't want to see you, or anyone else for that matter, but now at least you can deduce why. It just seems like there's no answer to why life is a bitch. _

_I don't want you to die. _

_I'm afraid of myself. _

_It's not John anymore. It's you._

_--Rodney_

After sitting frozen for the better part of five minutes, Jennifer thought over Rodney's words. _I don't want to see you..._ What did he mean? The parts that scared her: _I don't want you to die. I'm afraid of myself. It's not John anymore. It's you._ At that moment she really wished the Daedalus had brought a psychiatrist sooner. Almost without thinking she hit the reply button, typing faster than she had in years.

_To: Dr. M. R. McKay  
From: Dr. J. Keller  
Subject: RE: I'm sorry_

_Rodney,_

_Don't do this. I'm here for you. I want to help you, even if you think I can't. This isn't just your battle, Rodney, it's _ours_. Please let me in. Tell me about your nightmares. Coming to me was not a mistake. I don't regret it, and neither should you. Even if you don't trust yourself, I trust you. I trust you with my life, Rodney, don't you know that? You can never have too many problems to share with me. I want to help you._

_Don't be scared. Don't be scared, Rodney. Let me come to you. From your email, I cannot deduce why you don't want to see me, Rodney, because I want to see you. I missed you at breakfast this morning and I felt empty because of it. _

_Not all the answers come at once, Rodney, you know that better than anyone. Life is a bitch, but it doesn't have to be. _

_I don't want me to die either. _

_Rodney, if I'm understanding you correctly, don't you dare. Don't you DARE kill yourself. You have no idea how much that would hurt me. _

_Please let me come to you – we can talk about what you mean by the last line. What do you mean by "it's not John anymore. It's you."? _

_--Jennifer_

Jennifer held her breath after hitting the send key. She hoped to high heaven that Rodney had his tablet PC with him. She tapped her fingers impatiently for several minutes, before tapping her earwig and connecting to Radek's frequency.

"Radek?"

"Yes Doctor Keller? Have you seen Rodney?"

The physician sighed in defeat. "I was going to ask you the same thing. It's almost nine and I haven't seen him in the infirmary yet."

"Yes, yes, he has not shown up for morning shift like he was supposed to. I think I will power down his equipment now, I think."

"Keller out." Jennifer ran a hand over her blond ponytail, her mind whirring almost as fast as the Daedalus in hyperspace. She couldn't figure it out.

She almost knocked down a pile of medical reports when she heard the 'ping' alerting her to a new message.

_To: Dr. J. Keller  
From: Dr. M. R. McKay  
Subject: RE: RE: I'm sorry_

_Jennifer,_

_I don't want to risk losing you. Like I said, I don't trust myself. You replaced John. He doesn't narrate them anymore...you do._

_I don't want to kill myself either. But I'm afraid of myself._

_I don't think anyone can help._

_I think I'm putting you in danger by telling you this, but I'm on the top of the southeast tower. It's cold._

_--Rodney_

Suddenly it almost made sense. He feared himself – he feared he would kill himself or her... and she feared he would throw himself off the top of the southeast tower.

Jennifer left the infirmary without a word, shedding her lab coat and grabbing the jacket from the back of her chair.

The southeast tower was across the city – maybe fifteen or twenty minutes if she used transporters and ran. On the top – another five or ten minutes.

Rodney would be alone for a maximum of thirty minutes._  
_


	5. You've Got Me

**These Dark Days by AndromedaMarine**

**Author's Note: I'm terribly sorry about the delay; things beyond my control stole my time away from this story, and on Saturday the muses only let me finish 100 Sparkified Drabbles. Here's chapter 5 out of 6.**

_You've Got Me_

It took Jennifer fifteen minutes to run her way to the bottom of the southeast tower. Her heart pounded painfully, her breaths came in great gasps, yet she felt grateful that Colonel Sheppard had made her take basic training courses on Atlantis to keep in shape. She sent up a silent prayer hoping Rodney hadn't done anything stupid. She climbed the stairs three at a time until her muscles screamed in pain; then she took them two at a time. The transporter system didn't come up here, and she made a mental note to ask Radek why.

Unwillingly Jennifer's mind went over the statistics and facts related to suicide. It takes courage for a person to end his own life. She knew Rodney was rather low in the courage department, especially after the loss of Colonel Sheppard. Perhaps all of his courage had died right along with John. In a twisted bit of logic, she hoped so. She didn't know what she would do if Rodney died.

Ever since her appointment and transfer to Atlantis, she'd been drawn to him in more ways than one. He made her feel better about herself when some half-assed soldier undressed her with his eyes; he took away the painful stress that came with a long day in the infirmary. He was her rock in the turbulent waves of Pegasus. If this man died, if he took his own life like she'd seen some patients do, that rock would disappear, and there would be no reason for her to awake in the morning.

She was almost to the top – her breath came in wheezes after such a climb, and almost a minute later she waved her hand over the door sensor for the top of the tower.

The wind hit her with cold fury, chilling her bones like glacial water. She hated winter in Atlantis. She looked wildly around, her heart pounding frantically, and she saw him, sitting too close to the edge for her liking, his arms wrapped miserably around his knees and his chin resting atop them. Despite the pain in her muscles she jogged to him, her eyes welling up with gratefulness that he hadn't abandoned her for the afterworld.

Jennifer fell to her knees behind him, and quickly put both arms around his waist. She pulled him backwards so he wouldn't be so close to the edge. Her tears began to fall angrily. "Rodney, don't you ever scare me like that again!"

She'd startled him, and though he'd wanted to shy from her touch he found himself drawn to it. Rodney reached one hand up to her cheek, and she flinched at the coldness of it. He misread her reaction and pulled away, migrating back towards the edge of the tower. Jennifer, angered again, stood and seized his wrist, and tugged him forcefully back towards her.

"If you jump you'd pretty much be ripping my heart out," she told him without releasing her iron grip on his wrist. "And I trust you so much that I believe you're incapable of physically hurting me. I don't know what made your subconscious switch from John to me in your nightmares, but there's no way in hell I'd blame you if I died, no matter how I died. Rodney... Rodney, please look at me."

He'd averted his gaze to stare at the surface of the tower, letting his arm go limp in her grasp. He lifted his eyes slowly, and she saw the pain inside them immediately. "He was my best friend," Rodney whispered.

"I know," she replied through the tears, "but killing yourself won't bring him back. It won't bring him back."

He nodded and focused on her ear, avoiding her gaze again. "But the pain would end."

"Not for me," she responded instantly. "The pain would get worse every day for me and the rest of this city, because every day would be another day without you."

The simplicity of her words hit him like a mark nine naquadah bomb. He scrunched up his eyes and he collapsed to his knees, taking Jennifer with him. "He's gone," he sobbed, "and it hurts so much. He was my best friend..."

Jennifer embraced him fiercely, pressing her lips to his temple to calm him down.

"I failed him."

"No," Jennifer countered firmly. "You did _not_ fail him."

Rodney sniffed. "Then who do I go to when life takes a big bite out of my ass?" he asked humorlessly. "It was always him."

Jennifer took in a deep breath. "You've got me. You've got me, and I'm going nowhere. I won't leave you alone. Just let me help you." She kissed his temple again, finally becoming aware of how cold he really was. "Rodney, we have to go back inside, okay? I don't want you to get hypothermia."

The astrophysicist nodded numbly, and she put her arm around his waist to take him back into the corridors of the city. "I'm sorry," he mumbled once the door slid shut behind them.

"Don't be sorry, Rodney," Jennifer hugged him properly this time, willing him to return the embrace. "Please don't be sorry. There's nothing for you to be sorry for."

Rodney buried his head in the crook of her neck, tired, cold, and still severely depressed. "I'm sorry for scaring you."

The tears once again welled up in Jennifer's eyes, and she pressed her lips to Rodney's cheek. "Come to the infirmary."

Because he did trust her, but still not himself, he let her lead him down the many flights of stairs, and to the hospital wing.


	6. Time is the Worst Medicine for the Heart

**These Dark Days by AndromedaMarine**

_Time is the Worst Medicine for the Heart_

"Get me some blankets over here!" Jennifer called out as soon as both she and Rodney stepped into the infirmary. A nurse approached with two heavy woolen blankets in her hands; Jennifer seized them and flung them over Rodney's shoulders. She became paralyzed for a moment when she felt Rodney's hands trembling under hers. "Rodney?"

He couldn't look at her. "I'm c-c-cold, J-jen-jennifer..."

Jennifer stroked his cheek then wrapped her arms around his waist beneath the blankets. "I know, Rodney. But you'll be warm soon, okay?"

The astrophysicist nodded, slowly bringing himself to return the embrace. The blankets hung limply around his shoulders, and as he realized the enormity of their moments on the top of the southeast tower, the tears made vicious streaks down his cheeks. The nurses and doctors present in the infirmary turned their heads to continue their silent work, trying hopelessly to ignore that their CMO and Head of Science and Research were connected in such a horribly saddening way. Comfort in each other to move past the tragedy plaguing the Ancient city.

"Rodney, I'm going to walk you back to your quarters, okay? I want to talk with you, make sure you'll be okay. Then I'll let you rest. Sound good?" Jennifer rubbed her hands up and down his shoulders, hoping to stimulate some warmth in him. He was too cold for her liking. His lack of a response was an answer in itself – she kept one arm around his waist, keeping their sides pressed tightly together, and with her other hand the physician grasped the blanket edge to keep it from falling to the ground. Jennifer led him down the hall at a snail's pace, constantly glancing up to observe his distraught features. In a deserted hallway she stopped their movement forward and faced her best friend – a title she wasn't quite so sure about anymore. "They say time heals everything," she said quietly, watching for a response.

Rodney shook his head violently. "Every day that goes by just makes me angrier with myself – it makes me miss John so much more. If anything, time is the absolute worst medicine for the heart." He closed his eyes tightly, and she knew he didn't want to keep crying.

Jennifer felt the beginnings of her own tears in her eyes. "You loved him."

"The man saved my ass more times than anyone should've. How could I not? He was my best friend – my brother." Rodney's voice was quiet and raspy.

She couldn't resist the urge to pull him into her arms and want to make the pain go away – but this pain was something for which her medical skills were useless. Rodney pushed out of her hug, turning and letting his head drop so his chin rested against his chest. He pulled the blankets roughly so they completely encircled him.

"I hate myself."

His words made Jennifer immediately burst into tears. She struggled to speak clearly through her emotions. "Time may not heal the heart, Rodney, but misery loves company. Don't push me away when I'm at my worst and trying to help you deal with your problems." She sniffed and wiped away some of the wetness from her face. "You may hate yourself, but I don't hate you. Nothing could be further from the truth. God, how could I push you away, Rodney? What happened to our trust?"

He wanted to say that it died with John and SGA-6. But he couldn't, because he still did trust her. "I hate myself for what I put you through. I hate myself for losing John." He looked over his shoulder directly into her eyes. The suddenness made her stomach jump and the muscles in her legs to freeze up. But she couldn't break the contact. "I hate myself for what I could have done to you."

"Could have. Those two words are proof that there is pure compassion in your heart, Rodney. You can't physically hurt me. You're incapable." Jennifer offered her hand for him to take – an act of trust, giving him the option to refuse.

He just stared at her hand. After a moment he lifted his own and pressed his palm against hers, lacing their fingers together. "Maybe. Hopefully."

"Oh, God, Rodney," Jennifer began to cry again. It took her a moment to compose herself. "All right, come on." She resumed leading him down the hall in the same manner before she'd stopped, thoughts speeding across her mind as Rodney's hand waved over the door sensor. Silently the doors slid open and they moved into the dark room. "You need to take a hot shower, Rodney – it'll warm you up. I'll be right here, okay? Everything will be fine."

Rodney nodded numbly and he gathered spare clothes and a towel, and disappeared into the bathroom.

Jennifer sank onto his bed and for a couple of seconds managed to keep herself from dissolving into tears, but as she thought about what she'd just gone through with her best friend, nothing could stem the tide. She only stopped when she heard the silence seep from behind the bathroom doors: Rodney had finished. Normally the doctor would be in her place to want to spare Rodney from seeing her in such a vulnerable state, but after that day's events, she couldn't care less.

A few minutes later Rodney stepped back into his room, his eyes lingering on Jennifer's small form. He didn't know how to comfort her. So he merely sat next to her on the bed, his hands resting in front of him.

Jennifer turned her whole body, burying her face in his clean shirt, and clinging to his body as best she could. "God, I miss him too," she managed to say before she proceeded to soak his shirt in tears. Rodney responded by circling his arms around her and pressing his lips to her temple.

They say time heals everything. They say that misery loves company. But really, in the case of Rodney McKay and Jennifer Keller, and the tragic truth of the matter that John Sheppard would no longer prod them towards each other, time does not heal the heart. This wound...this would was one that would never heal, despite that the two doctors looked for solace in each other. These are the dark days Atlantis lives with.

In these dark days, it is hard to survive alone.


End file.
